21 March 2010

Looking In The Mirror


Have you ever paused in your life to look in a mirror and ask, "Who am I now?" I am at the end of a very busy few months at work, where life has had to adjust to work schedule daily. It's almost unbelievable that things aren't as crazy as they were, a shock to get used to. I keep checking my work mobile to make sure it's not broken.

The blaring stillness of my mobile and the increasing peace that is returning to my life has me wondering something. "Who am I now?" Lots has changed since I went from self-employed designer/artist back to the corporate world. Life for me and most of my friends has changed dramatically over the past four years. Many have married, moved, had children, changed jobs, stopped working for a while, had to reinvent themselves in a new career, dramatically changed their financial situation, bought houses, had to let go of houses, lost loved ones and seen so many other life-changing events.

I have gone from single gal about town to a committed relationship. I wonder how much my career in the past four years has influenced who I am. I have put aside many of my hobbies and creative activities in that time. I have spent far less time at home and with friends. I have been on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Activities have often been disrupted by calls. I have sat in parking lots in several cities and states taking care of emergencies via email and phone, always carrying a binder of work info in case of emergencies.

In my religious world I have changed assignments several times. I have worked with teenage girls, the women's organization and now with the under three-year-olds. That has been a lot of change. I have lost an advisor and confidante in my life who I anticipated having close to me for decades to come. Had I know I would've just made a list of life issues to discuss with her long before they ever happened and gotten her take on all of them just in case.

I have gotten older. Wiser some too, but older. I look different than I did. I see things a bit differently now and realize that things will continue to change as the years pass. I think of what I anticipated for my life when I was young, who I thought I would be today and what my life would be like. I can tell you that I could not have been more wrong about where I would be in my life right now. That is not to say I would change anything, but my imagination was not in tune with reality. Even what I anticipated two, four, six, ten years ago is nothing like where I am now.

So I have paused this week and been surprised to catch myself asking "Who am I now?" and been really surprised that I'm not sure. I have focused a lot on incorporating things that are important to me in my life, worked on my dream life list, and other lists. But I seem to be a little lost about who I am and I find that I want to reinvent. That I want to get closer to doing things that are what I was meant to do, where my talents can best shine, things that make me happy and feed my soul. I feel certain that the more we spend our time that way, the happier, kinder, more patient, more motivated and driven, more successful, move loving, compassionate, understanding, generous and...fabulous we will be.

I'm thinking about all those things. Who I am and who I want to be in my life. I'm caught by surprise to have the opportunity. I'm taking my time, making sure that I am enjoying my life more, being kind and generous with myself in the way I see things in my life and the expectations I set for myself.

I would love to hear from you readers how you evaluate where you are in your life and construct the path to where you want to be. I will write about this topic again I am sure in coming days and would love to share a conversation with you about it. Please share your experiences!

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